LEAKED: Private correspondence from Putin to Abbott
By: Toby Halligan and Mat Kenneally
Published: 17 November 2014
A Side Project blog exclusive, courtesy of political moles Toby Halligan and Mat Kenneally
Tony and Vlad get marsupial all over their shirt-fronts
Image © 2014 AP via AAP/ G20 Australia, Andrew Taylor
Thank you for lovely stay. I very much enjoyed time with Koala. Great to meet pre-sedated animail. In Russia we have to sedate animails before posing with them.
Many apologies for my sudden departure from the G20 summit, like my country I have considerable energy reserves but they must be replenished. I wanted to thank you for our sparring matches. I very much enjoyed them.
I find these summits very dull, being forced to spend time with people I do not know or respect, it's like a family reunion, but with less influential people. And ever since Berlusconi stopped attending I do not have anyone to share stories with!
When I first heard the Australian Prime Minister was going to shirt-front me I asked my advisor to get me a dictionary and an atlas. After I learned you had threatened to hit me with an Australian football move of questionable legality, I sent my staff to bring my thinking vodka. I was not afraid, because you are puny country, but I was impressed. I knew you were worthy adversary.
Last week I brought four warships to International waters, you met them with your own. Bravo. Many leaders have ignored my warships, but you Mr. Abbott did not. I hope you appreciate – I only bring warships to international conference when I respect leader. It was my way of saying: “Tony Abbott is tough enough that I need to have military on standby just in case he has shirt-front”.
We have much in common. Both of us understand how to utilize power even if we use it in different ways that may be hard for the other to understand. You must understand why it was important for me to retake our treasured Crimea, just like I am trying to understand why you declared yourself Minister for Women.
I did want to take this opportunity to give you some advice to help you with your politics. First, never make threat you cannot follow through. This is Barack’s problem. He keeps calling me, Crimea this, sanction that, won’t let you do this. He is weakling. I now have my voice double take his calls.
Allow me to give you advice, you must stand up to your enemies and Obama is clearly yours. Would friend have made you look like fool in your own country? No. If he had started talking about climate change at my summit, I would have turned off mic and instructed interpreter to translate badly.
Second, I understand Australian people are making it very difficult for you to cut useless programs like University and Doctor visits. In my country voters are also very difficult. I tried to abolish election program, but people got so angry, so I had to tinker round edges.
I see great potential in you Tony. Call me on red-phone anytime. It saddens me that you are desperately unpopular and must go to election. I feel to be good leader you need at least 8 years as President, than 4 years as Prime Minister. Only then are you ready for world affairs.
I like you Tony and while we cannot be allies now, I hope one day we can be friends, and go hunting and horse riding together. Or perhaps I can take you on a ride in our submarines, I believe your country has these things but they do not, what is the word? "Work"? Haha - funny joke - I believe I just give you what your people call "spray".
Perhaps when you come to Russia next we have a mutual shirt-front at my personal dojo?
Yours in Masculinity,